Why Review a Review?
In college I worked for Filter Magazine, which largely covered indie rock artists. Despite work at a music publication, my least favorite articles to read are music reviews. There are three reasons for my animus: (1) They are always overwritten. Music writers use too many analogies to describe sound and reach for words not ordinarily used in conversation, but frequently found in music reviews. “Acerbic,” “buoyant” and “texture” are overrepresented in music reviews; (2) It is an opportunity to show off. I do not know what these writers hoped to do with their lives, but they get to live an aspect of their dream by tearing down artists a notch; fingers crossed the artist reads the review. I was a politics major who wanted to be a backup dancer on the FutureSex/LoveSounds tour when I was overwriting about music, which meant I had to drag the Simon Dawes live show enough that they considered hiring someone to liven up the background. I tap dance; and (3) My life was never enriched from knowing a stranger’s opinion.
Since I am not a paid writer, TV showrunner, Savion Glover’s prodigy, best friends with Florence Pugh, or a former child star from a moderately successful Disney Channel Original Movie franchise, my dream devolved to tearing down music writers just enough that they regret not going to law school.
What is Music Review Bingo?
Music Review Bingo is a game I invented with incredibly flexible rules and a measure of subjectivity. It is a one person game that can never be lost. To play, google “[band name] review” and read the first article in the search results.
If any of the following is found, it is a piece on your Bingo card:
- Two or more words in one paragraph whose definitions are unclear;
- Alliteration;
- A sentence that must be read at least twice to understand;
- The description of musical influences as “a nod to” or a “wink to” a different artist;
- One run-on sentence so long that you have to start over because you forgot how the sentence began;
- An air or space metaphor or analogy;
- Mixed metaphor;
- Personification of instruments.
Music Review Bingo is the only way to read a review and maintain sanity. Let’s play a round! The first article listed in google is from Pitchfork.
- “… Dave Fridmann was enlisted for the project in a counterintuitive push to navigate the turbulent asteroid-fields of distortion.” Space! B15!
- “On their new self-titled LP, Phantom Planet are unapologetically retrofitted (current trends withstanding), distortion laced, galvanic, garage-rock “with an edge.” In fact, the lead single “Big Brat” is decidedly less instantly infectious than anything the band has recorded to date. Driven by pummeling drum work and a distorted bassline, the track’s linear progress is impeded only by a moment of tainted, chaotic reprieve before it summarily reemerges for a propulsive flourishing squalor. Alex Greenwald’s vocals have taken on an insouciant sneer, and for the most part (as on this track), his choruses rarely articulate any newfound sense of melody, but rather serve as a breaking point for his bleary-eyed, slurred and spat verses. He sings with enough jaded conviction to convince you he’s in no way affiliated– nor even so much as interested in– Oscar after-parties and Paper-sponsored celebrity get-togethers.” Galvanic? Insouciant? “G51!”
- “Songs such as the opener “Happy Ending” and the second half’s obligatory pace setter “Jabberjaw” offer a churlish delivery of heavily front-mixed, unflaggingly bushwhacked drum and bass leads, behind which Greenwald’s verses and subtle guitar melodies take temporary shelter from all the clutter, shifting only enough to flag down an austere rhythmic verse to chorus handoff.” This is one sentence! “I24!”
- “The breaking point of the album is the slackened-guitar-strap, hair-in-eyes eruptive shoegaze toss-off ‘You’re Not Welcome Here’, where all strengths past and present fail to carry the track as a purebred rocker.” I had to google “shoegaze,” not all of us grew up white!
- “Greenwald’s vocal delivery takes back the frontline on ‘After Hours’, as he coolly chastises L.A.’s pretentious nightlife, smugly singing, ‘You dress so nice/ You dress to kill/ They drop like flies, but/ Who’s the funeral for?'” Alliteration! “062!”
- “Thus, it unfolds; a band eschewing its strengths can both find success and disenfranchisement. WHAT? Fortunately for Phantom Planet, this album offers a good deal more of the former, but even if it represents method-acting at its finest, I’m willing to suspend disbelief long enough to let the curtains fold.”
We have Bingo! That game made reading the piece less painful, so now we can get to what everyone is waiting for, the review!
BS Review of the 2004 Pitchfork Review of Phantom Planet
The acidic alliteration and dizzyingly delicious descriptors rendered the article a bit overweight. The writer will need to put a few items in his carry-on to lighten the load. The commentary took off on the third read when my blinders flew from my face with a flourish, and I could see where we were headed. Most people aboard this flight; however, will not stay on to reach the final destination. The erudite writer would benefit from a more laconic piece so the reader feels less enervated.
6.7/10
BS